I hadn’t intended on taking a month-long blogging break, and I’m afraid I’m going to extend it a bit longer.
I’m generally pretty excited about a new year. It’s a chance to start with a fresh slate and start doing all those things that lead to good habits and new directions. I had some short- and long-term ideas about what to do with this blog and with my business. I seemed to be heading in a good direction.
And then the new year started and it all just seemed so pointless. There were so many things I should have been doing, but I wasn’t doing any of them. I’ve been feeling listless and just not excited about anything at all.
There are a lot of reasons for this — and I’m not going to go into all of them. My life has changed a lot in the past four or five years, and I think some of those changes are only now catching up with me. I felt all of last year that I was looking for something, but I wouldn’t have been able to define what that was with a gun to my head. I read and thought and pondered and it’s still a bit of a muddle.
My business isn’t doing well and my financial situation is getting dicier. This has led to a general sense of failure over a lot of things I’ve done — or attempted — recently. I’m a pretty structured person; at least I used to be. The changes I’ve gone through have led to a lot less structure and I’m finding that difficult.
I’m not saying all of this for sympathy; that’s not what this is about. I’m just trying to explain where I am right now in my life. In a way, it’s a bit of therapy. I don’t journal on a regular basis, but I’ve found that writing things down does help me to think. I’m just not usually doing it in such a public place.
I’m trying a bit of a mental shift — and I hope to put that into place over the next couple of weeks. Instead of feeling like I’m failing at a lot of things, I’m going to think about myself as “becoming.” I am changing and becoming someone else. It’s just a natural process that I think we all go through from time to time. For me, this change is just a bit harder than others I’ve gone through. Again, I’m not exactly sure why that is.
I’m going to take the next couple of weeks to try to get a bit more settled (though I’m not sure that’s quite the right word). I think it’s a matter of trying not to fight the feelings of change and to instead just let them happen and see where they go. I’ve been trying to get through this “stuck” feeling using logic and reason, because I feel I’m generally not so good with intuition. But I think it’s time to let my intuition take over so I can feel more and think less (well, a little bit less — I am an introvert after all!).
This was written very stream of consciousness and I probably shouldn’t even hit the “Publish” button. But just this little bit of thinking “out loud” has helped a bit. I’ll be back soon, I promise.